One day, someone who I had just met asked me how many children I have. I gave my normal response of: “three on earth and six in heaven”.
They looked at me wide-eyed and said, “Miscarriage isn’t healthy on your body. You are done having kids, right?”
To be honest, I was taken aback.
I couldn’t believe someone would say that to me, but I kindly said, “No, we’d love more if God wants us to have them.”
This person replied, “How old are you?”
“Thirty-eight,” I said…trying to maintain my smile.
They exclaimed, “Well, that’s too old anyway.”
Feeling Icy Water
I walked away feeling like someone had just thrown me into the water during a polar plunge.
In addition to that conversation, I’ve been told we shouldn’t have more children because of Hudson’s struggles with ASD/ADHD (our oldest son), my health, and busyness in ministry. Others have chided me, claiming I shouldn’t be so open about loss and grief.
I miss my babies every day. But I also cherish the three I have. I don’t take them for granted.
If God wants to give us more, then our arms are open wide. But it’s up to Him, and thankfully it’s His opinion, and the opinion of my incredible husband, which matters most.
Infertility and loss have been some of the HARDEST trials I’ve ever gone through, yet I’ve grown and changed through the journey.
But I’m not going to stop talking about our losses, or my children’s grief, or how others can learn to walk with those who are grieving.
Trusting the Journey
Even in the midst of all the difficult days, I look ahead to when they will be gone and I try my hardest to soak it all up (even though I will never EVER miss some things like potty-training). 😂
In the meantime, I’m doing my best to enjoy everything I can with the three gifts I’ve already been given. Only one of them still cuddles with me every day, and I know that eventually I’ll deal with the “last” snuggle, the last request for help with homework, the last of being told I’m their best friend or being told they want to marry me, and so many more things.
I fail every single day, pick myself back up, ask Jesus for help, repent, and step forward. And yes, I’m very thankful for His grace. ❤️
But in all of those hard moments, difficult people, waves of grief and sorrow, I’m reminded to forgive, to continue to be open and bare my heart, and to keep trusting Jesus.
Running to Him isn’t always easy or safe, but it’s always the best choice.
He is the journey and the destination even if the path is painful.
“I am learning to trust the journey even when I do not understand it.” —Mila Bron
“For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)
